guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
