if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
