five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Two words: blizzard sex
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
