i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
