Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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