im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
