either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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