flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
