dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
