I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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