a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
