i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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