so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
