What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
