Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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