So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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