dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
