what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
