when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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