im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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