we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
