I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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