wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
