I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
