I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
