I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Are my feet made of real feet?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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