hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
