I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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