I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I have tasted many bathrooms
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
