so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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