well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
