im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
