if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
