so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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