My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
