Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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