Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
