I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize