Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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