apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
