I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
only if we run a train.
done.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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