I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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