mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
