Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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