am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
