worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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