There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
how does that bad decision feel?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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