He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
