Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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