Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
