Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
