seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think I sprained my soul last night
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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